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The Graph of Life

mime-attachment.jpg

Posted on November 17, 2011 by MJS

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Yeah, right.

from MSNBC

White House: No sign of E.T. or UFO cover-up

Science policy official responds to petitions calling for full disclosure

By Nancy Atkinson / Universe Today

The White House has responded to two petitions asking the U.S. government to acknowledge formally that aliens have visited Earth and to disclose any intentional withholding of government interactions with extraterrestrial beings.

“The U.S. government has no evidence that any life exists outside our planet, or that an extraterrestrial presence has contacted or engaged any member of the human race,” Phil Larson from the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy reported on the WhiteHouse.gov website.“In addition, there is no credible information to suggest that any evidence is being hidden from the public’s eye.”

The Paradigm Research Group, one of the organizations promoting the petitions, said that the response by a “low-level staffer” was unacceptable and that it would begin a new petition campaign.

[ click to continue reading at MSNBC.com ]

Posted on November 10, 2011 by Editor

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“No, you can’t be Charlie Sheen for Halloween!”

from The San Diego Tribune via RealTVCritics.com

[ click to view at RealTVCritics.com ]

Posted on October 31, 2011 by Editor

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Shakespeare Insult Kit

from tastefully offensive

[ click to craft insults at tastefullyoffensive.com ]

Posted on October 22, 2011 by Editor

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National Geographic captures rare shot of cougar sleeping in a tree

from Facebook

Posted on October 8, 2011 by Editor

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John Waters’ Novel Views On Abstinence

from the net via H. Beadleston

books-jw.jpg

Posted on September 30, 2011 by Editor

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Tragic Example of the Evils of Incest Among Pure-breed Dogs

from Chrissy Whale’s blog via Facebook

In BREAD Dog 

 I Posted this photo on my FaceBook Page

on 9-23-2011 @ 4:06 PM

& O-M-G!

Exactly 4 Days into being posted!!!

To the Second…

10, 092 = Likes

8,913 = Shares

4,751 = Comments!

[ click to read at Chrissy Whale’s Blog ]

Posted on September 29, 2011 by Editor

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The Past And Future of Famous Logos

from stock logos

[ click to view more at stocklogos.com ]

Posted on September 23, 2011 by Editor

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New Fees Catch Pussies By Surprise

Posted on September 19, 2011 by JK

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The Compromise Position Is To Split The Difference And Let The Queen Wear Crotchless Panties

from NBC Miami

Miss Universe Hopeful Told to Wear Panties

Miss Colombia has been making appearances without unmentionables

by Greg Wilson

Miss Universe officials have a message for Catalina Robayo, Colombia’s entry into Monday’s contest: Don’t forget to wear underwear.

Robayo, one of 89 beauties from around the world competing to win the Donald Trump-owned contest, has been reprimanded for making appearance in tiny skirts - with no panties.

“Colombia had to be spoken to and told she needed to wear underpants as what she was doing was totally inappropriate,” a source told Fox News. “People have been pretty upset by it; there have been photos and media appearances where she has completely had her crotch out.”

The contest, being held in Sao paulo, Brazil, might benefit from controversy, but going commando goes too far.

[ click to continue reading at NBC Miami ]

Posted on September 10, 2011 by Editor

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“What a weird, hysterically funny man.”

from BuzzFeed

Roald Dahl’s Weird And Hilarious Letter To A Class Of Children

CULTURE BUZZ: When a group of students sent a letter to Roald Dahl asking him questions about his short story collection “The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar and Six More,” this was the author’s response. What a weird, hysterically funny man.

click to read at buzzfeed.com ]

Posted on September 4, 2011 by Editor

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Boardin’ Bulldog

from M-C the Greek

Posted on September 2, 2011 by Editor

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Yo, boys - let’s stop throwing rocks, okay.

from Associated Press

San Diego boy throwing rocks hit by crossbow

SAN DIEGO (AP) — San Diego police say a 16-year-old boy throwing rocks at a sport utility vehicle was struck by a crossbow arrow fired by a passenger.

Police say the shirtless boy and a friend were throwing rocks at a black Toyota RAV4 in the Linda Vista neighborhood Monday afternoon when a passenger fired a crossbow out the window.

The boy was shot in the right side and was taken to a hospital. The San Diego Union-Tribune says his injuries are not life-threatening.

[ click to read full articleat AP.org ]

Posted on September 1, 2011 by Editor

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The Princess said, “No!!!”

Once upon a time, a  Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?”

The Princess said, “No!!!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate Spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin’ cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end.

Posted on August 31, 2011 by MJS

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E-Trade Baby Boom Boom Boom

Posted on August 5, 2011 by MJS

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If Edgar Allan Poe Wrote Amazon Reviews

from Amazon.com

Customer Review

5,715 of 5,819 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Make this your only stock and storeJuly 8, 2008

By Edgar

Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts ‘N Honey,
With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
‘Bad condensor, that,’ I muttered, ‘vibrating the icebox door -
Only this, and nothing more.’

Not to sound like a complainer, but, in an inept half-gainer,
I provoked my bowl to tip and spill its contents on the floor.
Stupefied, I came to muddle over that increasing puddle,
Burgeoning deluge of that which I at present do adore -
Snowy Tuscan wholesomeness exclusively produced offshore -
Purg’ed here for evermore.

And the pool so white and silky, filled me with a sense of milky
Ardor of the type fantastic of a loss not known before,
So that now, to still the throbbing of my heart, while gently sobbing,
I retreated, heading straightway for the tempting icebox door -
Heedless of that pitter-patter tapping at the icebox door -
I resolved to have some more.

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
‘This,’ said I, ‘requires an extra dram of milk, my favorite pour.’
To the icebox I aspired, motivated to admire
How its avocado pigment complemented my decor.
Then I grasped its woodgrain handle - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams of Tuscans I had known before
But the light inside was broken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only words there spoken were my whispered words, ‘No more!’
Coke and beer, some ketchup I set eyes on, and an apple core -
Merely this and nothing more.

Back toward the table turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
‘Surely,’ said I, ’surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
‘Tis the wind and nothing more!’

From the window came a stirring, then, with an incessant purring,
Inside stepped a kitten; mannerlessly did she me ignore.
Not the least obeisance made she; not a minute stopped or stayed she;
But, with mien of lord or lady, withdrew to my dining floor -
Pounced upon the pool of Tuscan spreading o’er my dining floor -
Licked, and lapped, and supped some more.

Then this tiny cat beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grand enthusiasm of the countenance she wore,
Toward the mess she showed no pity, ’til I said, ‘Well, hello, kitty!’
Sought she me with pretty eyes that seemed to open some rapport.
So I pleaded, ‘Tell me, tell me what it is that you implore!’
Quoth the kitten, ‘Get some more.’

[ click to read at Amazon.com ]

Posted on August 1, 2011 by Editor

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Best Job Ever

from eBaum’s World

[ click to view at eBaum’s World ]

Posted on July 8, 2011 by Editor

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Drunk Chick Showers Sheriffs With Breast Milk

from 10 TV News

Woman Arrested After Allegedly Spraying Deputies With Breast Milk

Monday,  June 27, 2011 5:48 AM

Robinette refused to cooperate with deputies while she was outside the Bridgewater Banquet & Conference Center, according to the Delaware County Sheriff's Office.DELAWARE, Ohio — A woman faces several charges after she allegedly sprayed deputies with breast milk as they tried to detain her over the weekend.

The incident occurred early Saturday morning near the Bridgewater Banquet & Conference Center on Sawmill Parkway.

According to the Delaware County Sheriff’s Office, deputies were called to the area after receiving calls about a domestic dispute.  When they arrived, a man told them that he had been attending a wedding at the facility with his wife, who had gotten drunk and struck him several times before locking herself in a car.

Delaware County Sheriff Walter L. Davis III said deputies tried to talk with the woman, who was identified as Stephanie Robinette, 30, of Westerville, but she refused to cooperate.

“When deputies attempted to remove Robinette from the vehicle, she advised the deputies that she was a breast feeding mother and proceeded to remove her right breast from her dress and began spraying deputies and the vehicle with her breast milk,” Davis said.

[ click to continue reading at 10TV ]

Posted on June 27, 2011 by Editor

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Spanking Stewardesses

from The Huffington AOL

Maybe you’re looking to get spanked by a stewardess, or maybe you’re looking to see some stewardesses spank each other. Regardless, it’s probably best to keep this one out of sight in case someone gets the wrong idea. (via Amazon)

[ click to read at HuffPo ]

Posted on June 26, 2011 by Editor

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It’s gettin’ real in the Whole Foods Parking lot….

Posted on June 19, 2011 by Editor

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Assassinate Yourself Online With the Suicide Machine

from Web 2.0 Suicide Machine 

Tired of your Social Network?


Liberate your newbie friends with a Web2.0 suicide! This machine lets you delete all your energy sucking social-networking profiles, kill your fake virtual friends, and completely do away with your Web2.0 alterego. The machine is just a metaphor for the website which moddr_ is hosting; the belly of the beast where the web2.0 suicide scripts are maintained. Our service currently runs with Facebook, Myspace, Twitter and LinkedIn! Commit NOW!

Feel free like a real bird again and untwitter yourself. Watch it here!

[ assassinate your online self with the Web 2.0 Suicide Machine ]

Posted on June 18, 2011 by Editor

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Canucked In The Nuts With A Stun Grenade

Posted on June 17, 2011 by Editor

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Family Dog Abuses Toddler

Posted on June 16, 2011 by JK

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m_f: Top 10 Literary Smack-downs

from mental_floss

The Quick 10: 10 Literary Smack-Downs, Quips, and Squabblesby Adrienne Crezo - June 14, 2011 - 10:21 PM

q10

There’s an adage they give you when you receive your name badge at the door of Writer Land: “You only compete with yourself.” While most authors hold true to this (at least in public), there are those who make time to spend bashing their fellow wordslingers. Here are ten cringe-worthy examples.

 

1. Mark Twain vs. Ambrose Bierce
When they asked Samuel Clemens to read and review long-time friend Ambrose Bierce’s not-so-bestseller, Nuggets and Dust Panned Out in California by Dod Grile, publishers Chatto & Windus had no idea they’d get such a scathing report back. Twain calls Nuggets and Dust “the vilest book that exists in print” and ends with what might be the most simultaneously hilarious and hurtful review of all time:

“There is humor in Dod Grile, but for every laugh that is in his book there are five blushes, ten shudders and a vomit. The laugh is too expensive.”

2. James Frey vs. Dave Eggers
Before his tearful apology on Oprah for passing off as a memoir his best-selling tale of addiction and redemption, and even before the book had been released, James Frey took aim at Dave Eggers and his much-hailed A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius. Here’s what Frey said in an interview in New York Observer:

“The Eggers book pissed me off. Because a book that I thought was mediocre was being hailed as the best book written by the best writer of my generation. F**k that. And f**k him and f**k anybody who says that.”

3. Ernest Hemingway vs. Ford Madox Ford.
In a letter sent to Ezra Pound in 1925, Papa Hemingway compares contemporary Ford Madox Ford to a bull in a less-than-complimentary tirade:

“Bulls at least are not the greatest stylists in English – no bull has ever been a political exile. Bulls don’t run reviews. Bulls of 25 don’t marry old women of 55 and expect to be invited to dinner… Bulls do not borrow money… Bulls are edible after they have been killed.”

[ click to continue reading at mentalfloss.com ]

Posted on June 15, 2011 by Editor

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ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE - A little crappy-ass theater in the Magnited States of America

[ click to visit Alamo Drafthouse @ drafthouse.com ]

Posted on June 7, 2011 by MJS

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Raw Video Of Osama bin Laden’s Burial At Sea

Posted on May 21, 2011 by Editor

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A Monobookist Bookstore & Pre-Banning of The Final Testament of The Holy Bible

from The Lincoln Journal-Star

Book Report: ALA releases list of most-challenged library books

 Round-up:1. A bookstore that only sells one book. Author Andrew Kessler celebrated the launch of his new book about the Phoenix Mars mission, “Martian Summer,” by setting up a “monobookist bookstore,” a temporary shop on Hudson Street in New York City. The store will be stocked with 3,000 copies of just his book.2.  “And Tango Makes Three” back on the top of the American Library Association’s most frequently challenged books list. The ALA just released the 2010 list of the titles most griped about at American libraries, and Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson’s children’s book about two male emperor penguins who hatch and raise a baby penguin comes in as the No. 1 most challenged. The reasons for the challenges that ALA cites are “homosexuality,” “religious viewpoint” and “unsuited to age group.” Other books that made the Top 10: “The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian” by Sherman Alexie; “Brave New World” by Aldous Huxley; “Crank” by Ellen Hopkins; “The Hunger Games” by Suzanne Collins; “Lush” by Natasha Friend; “What My Mother Doesn’t Know” by Sonya Sones; “Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By In America” by Barbara Ehrenreich; “Revolutionary Voices” edited by Amy Sonnie; and “Twilight” by  Stephenie Meyer.Just shelved:“The Final Testament of the Holy Bible” by James Frey (hardcover): Speaking of likely-to-be-challenged books, the author of “A Million Little Pieces” has a controversial book for you. Frey tells the story of the second coming of the Messiah. But this Messiah lives in the Bronx and is a pothead who has sex with prostitutes. The book will be released Friday — Good Friday, that is.[ click to continue reading at The Journal Star ]

Posted on April 19, 2011 by Editor

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This Year’s Hottest Easter Gift

from THINKGEEK.com

Chocolate Zombie Bunny

  • Chocolate Zombie Bunny will destroy you all
  • The virus has turned his flesh to delicious white chocolate
  • Save the world; bite his head off!

[ click to purchase at THINKGEEK.com ]

Posted on April 16, 2011 by Editor

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You Smell, Sir

from SF Weekly

This Is Why Your Used Bookstore Clerk Hates You

By Michael Leaverton

ngUUOEyCHdLkGnO1I5M4Vg.jpeg

​Although bookstore workers love their customers, or are at least morally obligated to, sometimes the love is so great it turns murderous. Ever tried to finish all-you-can-eat coconut shrimp? That’s the love we’re dealing with here. Although your narrator worked at a used bookstore just outside of the city more than a decade ago, he shut his eyes tight, remembered three years of Fat Slice Pizza, and relived some moments of quiet desperation.

You Stole All Our Bukowski
It’s hard to keep Bukowski on the shelf when he keeps getting stuffed in the pants of street punks when no one is looking (but we are looking!). Although punks love him (he’s so easy to read) so does the staff (Hank worked a menial job for years, drank an eternity, and stillended up famous). He provides hope for apprentice alcoholics who are going to start writing sometime tomorrow or Thursday for sure. If you do steal him, please sell him back to us when you’re finished.

You’re Spending Too Much Time in the Erotica Section
Huh, and you’re totally and creepily not moving.

You Camp Out in the Self-Help Section
What is it about the self-help section that attracts people who take off their shoes and eat fruit salad right in the stacks? Or what is it that doesn’t attract them, amirite? Though we don’t mind you blocking the aisle, making your little piles of books and scribbling action items in your notepads (this means we can avoid the section), at least tidy up when you’re finished for the night. This goes for everyone in the spiritualism section, too. See you all tomorrow.

You’re Asleep
You know that’s weird, right? Barnes & Noble may have the square footage to stock recliners, but used bookstores don’t. Used bookstores use their space to sell books. Ever notice how much empty air a superbookstore contains that could be going to books? Of course you don’t, because you’re asleep on our footstool.

You Were Our Favorite English Professor
Oh look, it’s the bastard who inspired us to skip a useful degree for one in contemporary American fiction, here to again dash through the store with a comely grad student in tow and witness, once again, how well we are doing with our crack alphabetization. Looking for Simone de Beauvoir’s The Second Sex? Try the Ds. College!

click to continue reading at SFWeekly.com ]

Posted on March 8, 2011 by Editor

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“I got a jlowbob once on a motorcycle.”

Posted on February 9, 2011 by Editor

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Richland, Washington School Board Bans James Frey’s Book (The Reich Would Be Proud)

from The News Tribune

Richland School Board to hear appeal on book

BY JACQUES VON LUNEN, HERALD STAFF WRITER Published: 02/02/11

RICHLAND — A good novel can teach a lot about life. But how much profanity or other objectionable content should be in novels used in school?

That’s the question the Richland School Board will be asked to consider tonight when a West Richland parent asks to have Snow Falling on Cedars by Washington writer David Guterson removed from the list of books that could be used in an Advanced Placement English language and composition class at Hanford High School.

The committee seemed to be in agreement on its first book from the long list Tuesday. A Million Little Pieces by James Frey got little support from those who seemed to be the least willing to ban a book from school.

image lifted from FineArtAmerica.com

[ click to read full article at The New Tribune ]

Posted on February 6, 2011 by Editor

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Why It’s So Hard To Find A Date on Wikipedia

from The New York Times

Define Gender Gap? Look Up Wikipedia’s Contributor List

By NOAM COHEN

wikiguy.jpg

In 10 short years, Wikipedia has accomplished some remarkable goals. More than 3.5 million articles in English? Done. More than 250 languages? Sure.

But another number has proved to be an intractable obstacle for the online encyclopedia: surveys suggest that less than 15 percent of its hundreds of thousands of contributors are women.

About a year ago, the Wikimedia Foundation, the organization that runs Wikipedia, collaborated on a study of Wikipedia’s contributor base and discovered that it was barely 13 percent women; the average age of a contributor was in the mid-20s, according to the study by a joint center of the United Nations University and Maastricht University.

Sue Gardner, the executive director of the foundation, has set a goal to raise the share of female contributors to 25 percent by 2015, but she is running up against the traditions of the computer world and an obsessive fact-loving realm that is dominated by men and, some say, uncomfortable for women.

[ click to continue reading at NYTimes.com ]

Posted on January 30, 2011 by Editor

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Journal of Universal Rejection

by Caleb Emmons at Pacific University

About the Journal

The founding principle of the Journal of Universal Rejection (JofUR) is rejection. Universal rejection. That is to say, all submissions, regardless of quality, will be rejected. Despite that apparent drawback, here are a number of reasons you may choose to submit to the JofUR:

  • You can send your manuscript here without suffering waves of anxiety regarding the eventual fate of your submission. You know with 100% certainty that it will not be accepted for publication.
  • There are no page-fees.
  • You may claim to have submitted to the most prestigious journal (judged by acceptance rate).
  • The JofUR is one-of-a-kind. Merely submitting work to it may be considered a badge of honor.
  • You retain complete rights to your work, and are free to resubmit to other journals even before our review process is complete.
  • Decisions are often (though not always) rendered within hours of submission.

Instructions for Authors

The JofUR solicits any and all types of manuscript: poetry, prose, visual art, and research articles. You name it, we take it, and reject it. Your manuscript may be formatted however you wish. Frankly, we don’t care.

After submitting your work, the decision process varies. Often the Editor-in-Chief will reject your work out-of-hand, without even reading it! However, he might read it. Probably he’ll skim. At other times your manuscript may be sent to anonymous referees. Unless they are the Editor-in-Chief’s wife or graduate school buddies, it is unlikely that the referees will even understand what is going on. Rejection will follow as swiftly as a bird dropping from a great height after being struck by a stone. At other times, rejection may languish like your email buried in the Editor-in-Chief’s inbox. But it will come, swift or slow, as surely as death. Rejection.

Submissions should be emailed to J.Universal.Rejection@gmail.com. Small files only, please. Why not just send the first couple pages if it is long?

Archives

  • March 2009 (Vol 1, No 1) contents:

    (empty)

  • June 2009 (Vol 1, No 2) contents:

    (empty)

  • September 2009 (Vol 1, No 3) contents:

    (empty)

  • December 2009 (Vol 1, No 4) contents:

    (empty - because we were on holiday)

  • March 2010 (Vol 2, No 1) contents:

    (empty)

  • [ click to visit the Journal of Universal Rejection website ]

    Posted on January 18, 2011 by Editor

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